FORREST GUMP (1994) is a film about a retarded man’s epic life, starring Tom Hanks. Titular acknowledges spelling inconsistency of ‘for(r)est’.
12/08/09 | Film

Forrest Gump

by Eric Blair

Bad things happen in Forest Gump, I’m one of those things. This story isn’t about how my mom was raped in Forest Gump. This isn’t about how she mainlined meth throughout the pregnancy. Not about how her parents wouldn’t let her get an abortion. This story isn’t about me at all, it’s about something I saw once. Something I saw in Forest Gump.

I was wearing my favorite pants, the ones with the hole in the crotch, and eating all the mushrooms I could find when I saw her. She was so pretty. I couldn’t help but touch myself when she took her clothes off. I threw up. My vomit tasted worse than the mushrooms did. The sun was shining directly on her breasts like god on a preacher. I went right back to jerking off. I looked at her and thought about touching her. Then I thought about more than just touching her. She was standing underneath the heavens with her arms raised into the sky. Grey clouds shifted around in the air and I was really close.

I could feel myself about to explode into Forest Gump when she moved. She bent down and I almost came. She pulled a sword out of a duffle bag with her right arm and chopped her left arm off. The colors were amazing. I came so hard I fell down. I just laid there covered by myself catching my breath for awhile. Then I remembered what had just happened. My mind sprang into action. I pulled myself out of the mud only to fall down again.

I walked over to her slowly. When she saw me the trees were bending my way. It seemed a little scary, but I just kept reminding myself that I was tripping and everything would be alright. She gave me the blankest look I’d ever seen and asked me if I would help her. I tried to tell her that I was there to help, but I have no idea what I actually said. As I continue to tell you what happened that night in Forest Gump I want you to keep in mind that I was tripping my fucking ass off. She asked me to chop off her other arm and I responded by pushing her down and fucking her.

She was so pure she must have been religious. That’s what I kept telling the policeman who threw me into the back of their car without even telling me to watch my head. My head still fucking hurts. My head hasn’t stopped hurting since I was arrested. For assisting suicide. She wanted to die and I had nothing else to do on a Tuesday night. Where’s the fucking crime? I was doing her a favor. I was still chopping when the police arrived. I guess a couple of horny teenagers saw me. Everybody calls it “Forest Hump.” I was just trying to help.

I’m sorry. I lied. That story was about me.