When we woke up on an island we thought we were dreaming and I said to you that I wanted to swim in water so clear it looked like your tears. You made me promise never to leave you and even while we were naked in the sand I knew I couldn’t keep this promise. It’s a good thing we’re made of synapse and string, I thought. It’s a wonderful thing that I will wake tomorrow in California and drive through the communities planned like children without disabilities. At work I will drink coffee from a styrofoam cup. At work I will tell my coworkers the newest racist joke and then pretend to be busy when the supervisor comes past.
When we woke up on the island again we thought we were dreaming nightmares and I said to you that I wanted to stay in bed all day and eat ice cream from the tub and you said you were okay with this and you would bake bread from scratch and we could eat it with dinner. I said I’d put sauce on the fire right now, right this second, so by dinner the acids will be cooked out. Sometimes this is all we need. The carbs are beautiful things that attach to us like parasites and keep us warm all the time. I don’t care if I die young I said. I don’t care about my familial history. Fuck heart failure, right now all my heart feels is foam collapsing on sand.
In the night I kept telling myself that everything was absolutely fucking fine. I did this near the fire, sitting on a driftwood log. Everything was not absolutely fucking fine and we both knew it. You hadn’t spoken to me all day. I kept thinking fear is a very tall glass of water. Kept humming happiness is a warm gun. I knew which pairs of underwear you had put in your luggage and I knew which pair of underwear you had on and these shouldn’t have been my thoughts but after repeating everything is absolutely fucking fine I looked at you in the firelight and followed the lines of your clothing down to your thighs and thought I want to fuck you like a savage.
When we woke up on the island a third time we knew that we were dreaming and we came together wearing thin blue sheets. I didn’t cry and I felt like you were crushing me beneath the weight of your gigantic heart. I closed my eyes and watched your gigantic heart swallow me like a flat pill. It was a beautiful pile of laundry on our clean mattress, it was a room with a door and painted white walls. It was high school and the sun leaked around us like I promised you with all of my strength that I would never stop looking at you.